Years Earlier
Max Crandall stood in front of his young charge Bart Allen as they were waiting outside of Bart's classroom.
"This is the seventh time I've had to come to your school this week, Bart."
"That's not so bad."
"It's 10 a.m. on a Monday morning. What did you do this time?"
"Nothing!" Bart said. "I just thought the water fountains could use a little more flavor so I used my speed to manipulate the water particles to try to make juice and--"
Max looked around the hallway and saw drunken students stumbling around the hallway.
"I may have accidentally turned it into wine."
"Where did you learn to do that?" Max asked.
"I read it in a science fiction novel, but I thought I could one up that Jesus guy and actually make something kids could drink." Bart told him. Max just rubbed the bridge of his nose with two fingers as the door opened.
"These parent-teacher conferences are going to be the death of me," Max said as he started walking in. "Stay out here until I come back."
The door slowly creaked shut as Bart wondered just what kind of horrors Max was about to go through on his behalf.
Today
Bart was armed with a baseball bat with barbwire wrapped around it, and was wearing a black leather jacket to keep him warm due to the weather outside. The bat was for whatever horrors the parent-teacher conference were about to be revealed.
The door opened as Bart prepared to strike, only to become face to face with someone from his past. More specifically, his first girlfriend.
"Carol?"
Max Crandall stood in front of his young charge Bart Allen as they were waiting outside of Bart's classroom.
"This is the seventh time I've had to come to your school this week, Bart."
"That's not so bad."
"It's 10 a.m. on a Monday morning. What did you do this time?"
"Nothing!" Bart said. "I just thought the water fountains could use a little more flavor so I used my speed to manipulate the water particles to try to make juice and--"
Max looked around the hallway and saw drunken students stumbling around the hallway.
"I may have accidentally turned it into wine."
"Where did you learn to do that?" Max asked.
"I read it in a science fiction novel, but I thought I could one up that Jesus guy and actually make something kids could drink." Bart told him. Max just rubbed the bridge of his nose with two fingers as the door opened.
"These parent-teacher conferences are going to be the death of me," Max said as he started walking in. "Stay out here until I come back."
The door slowly creaked shut as Bart wondered just what kind of horrors Max was about to go through on his behalf.
Today
Bart was armed with a baseball bat with barbwire wrapped around it, and was wearing a black leather jacket to keep him warm due to the weather outside. The bat was for whatever horrors the parent-teacher conference were about to be revealed.
The door opened as Bart prepared to strike, only to become face to face with someone from his past. More specifically, his first girlfriend.
"Carol?"
ISSUE #15 (December 2018)
Written by Tobias Christopher Featuring: Impulse
|
"Ranger Things"Impulse was written in front of a live studio audience.
The obese man walked into the Boston Bar located at the bottom of a short flight of stairs. As he opened the door marked 'Cheers' the instant familiar greeting of his friends welcomed him. "NORM!" "How's the world treating you, Mr. Peterson?" a tall young man asked as he tended bar. "Sober, but that's nothing a keg or two can't fix." the man said as he sat down on a barstool as a mug of ice cold beer greeted him. Before he could take a drink, the lights in the bar dimmed as the giant blue holographic head of Dr. Frasier Crane appeared. "Rangers, there is trouble!" Frasier told them while the robotic Frederick-5 wandered around. "Carla Repulsa has launched an attack on the city. Quickly, Rangers, you must hurry!" "Alright, let's get to it," an older man with a bar towel over his shoulder said as was joined by his teammates, each of them pulling out beer coasters with coins embedded in them. "It's Miller Time!" "Coors!" "Budweiser!" "Rolling Rock!" "Pabst Blue Ribbon!" "Guiness!" Go go Drunken Rangers! Go go Drunken Rangers! Mighty Drunken Power Rangers! The Red, Blue, Pink, Yellow and Black Rangers arrived on the battlefield, ready to fight hordes of AA members dressed in grey padded suits, with a monster shaped like a beer bong at the edge of the field. Up on the moon, Carla Repulsa was aided by her minions Cliffdar, Scorpillith and all of Carla Repulsa's children. "So, the Rangers think they can beat me, hmm?" Carla asked in a badly synched voice. "Let's see how they handle this! Drunken Goggle Wand, make my monster grow!" Down on Earth, the monster grew as tall as skyscraper, stomping toward the Rangers. "We need Kegazord power, now!" A Blue Bull, a Yellow Wild Turkey, a Black Bear, a Pink Toucan and a Red Deer burst out of the nearby brewery and charged forward, morphing into a giant mecha that looked like Captain Morgan. Jase and his new friend Wyatt sat on the couch watching Wyatt's favorite show. The boys were in the living at Jase's house watching the show on the new flat screen t.v. that Adam and Bart had built out of spare parts. "This show is so much cooler in HD," Wyatt said. "Can you believe this show's been on the air since 1982?" "I can't believe this show made it a season," Jase told him. "It's so cheap. You can see the wires making Shelley Long's mouth smile." "Dude, this is my favorite show ever, I have just about everything from the show. Come to my house, I'll show you." "How much stuff can one 12-year-old have from a thirty-six-year old--" Jase started to say as Wyatt's bedroom door opened. "Holy shit." Wyatt's room was wall-to-wall Drunken Power Rangers merchandise, from posters on the walls to the bedding to the toys lining the shelves. "Wow, is there anything you don't have?" Jase asked as he picked up a toy from the shelf still in its box. "The Drunken Rangers playset with real working beer tap?" "There is one thing I don't have," Wyatt told him. "The Green Drunken Irish Ranger action figure. They discontinued the figure when his actor died, and that was long before I was born. Now they're really rare and I'll never have one to finish my collection. You hungry? It's Cody's turn to make dinner, and he makes killer tacos." "That's not a good thing, he undercooked the meat the last time." Jay said as he walked past the door. "Killer tacos was accurate for the wrong reasons." "That's okay, I have to get home anyway," Jase told him. "Bart says depending on how the parent-teacher meeting goes he's going to teach me how to turn wine into water." As he walked past the kitchen, he overheard Wyatt's older brother Cody on the phone. "I know you're doing something big, but Wyatt's birthday party is Saturday," Cody told her. "Of course I'll watch over him, I promised I would. But I have zero clue how to throw a party and I'm just now finding out it's even his birthday, I haven't even gotten him anything. What's he going to think when Saturday comes and not only is there no party, but his adoptive mother isn't even there? Why did I just call you his adoptive mother? I don't know, it's not like I have to explain to anyone that you're not his biological mother and I only just learned that he's my half-sibling a few days ago, and now me and my best friend Jay are watching him while laying low from the law by staying here in a wacky sitcom type scenario. Okay, I'll do my best to throw something together, just... try to make it home. Wyatt deserves to have all of his family and friends here. Maybe I can at least hire a birthday clown to... What's that? He's scared of clowns? Under no circumstances have a clown within fifty miles of his party? Okay." "Wyatt's birthday? I have to get him the greatest gift ever," Jase told himself. "But what? I wonder if he likes clowns?" Bart sat uncomfortably in the chair, trying not to stare across the desk at the woman who was once his girlfriend until his guardian Max went missing, which forced Bart to move across the country to live with Jay Garrick and his wife. After trying a long distance relationship, the young lovers had to go their separate ways when Bart's superhero life with the Teen Titans got in the way. "You always wanted to be a teacher," Bart said. "Or a scientist. Or an astronaut. Or an astronaut science teacher." "I haven't heard from you, or... whatever hero identity you're calling yourself these days for years." Carol said. "Yeah, I was Kid Flash for a while," Bart told her. "Then I died and came back as the actual Flash for about 12 minutes before I died again. Then I came back as Kid Flash and died again, now there's another Kid Flash and a new Impulse, so I'm really not sure what to call myself now." "And Jase is the new Impulse?" "Who told you?" "I just kind of figured with the orange eyes and multi-colored hair," Carol said. "I didn't know you had a little brother." "Time travel's a wacky thing," Bart said with an uncomfortable laugh. "You think you're dead one minute and the next you're raising your twelve-old-kid brother. How many fires has he started?" "None, but--" "Students injured?" "None." "Teachers tearing their hair out? I remember our freshman year there was a weekly delivery or Rogaine." "Jase hasn't done anything too bad, yet," Carol said. "I'm more worried about... you. Raising a kid is a lot of responsibility, even for a superhero." "Tell me about it," Bart told her. "Batman must get his Robins wholesale. But I love Jase, he's like family." "I thought he was family." "He's like family in that...he is family," Bart said. "So you're more concerned that I'm going to screw Jase up somehow? I'd do anything for that kid." "Bart, that's not what I meant." Carol started to say as Bart stood up. "You never had faith in me when it came to taking care of people I care about," Bart told her. "Because I couldn't be there for you." "What happened between us was beyond either of our control," Carol said. "We just grew up to be two different people." "I never stopped loving you," Bart told her. "Sometimes I think what it would have been like if I'd never have left Manchester. To go to college with you and Rolly and Preston." Carol started looking uncomfortable as she shifted her eyes. "What?" "I thought you knew, but I think it was during one of those times that you were... missing," Carol told him. "Preston died senior year." Jase rushed home to grab his Impulse costume, passing by Adam, who had a bag full of onions sitting in his lap, peeling them. Jase slowly backtracked with his goggles around his neck. He started to speak, but nothing came out as he tried to find the words to ask what he was thinking. "... W- wha--?" "I'm peeling onions to make myself cry," Adam told him. "Since I don't possess tear ducts, I hope the strength of the onions will still force a reaction." "Why are you trying to make yourself cry?" Jase asked. "Because I'm what you might call 'sad'," Adam told him. "I have lived with you and Bart for some time now, and in this entire time, my father has yet to try to make contact with me. He hasn't called or texted or sent a smoke signal." "Isn't your dad like, a super villain?" Jase asked. "The guy always trying to kill Superman?" "Yes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love me," Adam said. "Does it?" "Adam, if the Toyman found you, he'd take you away from us," Jase said. "I don't want you to leave, you're like a brother. You're family." "I do not wish to leave you or Bart either," Adam said. "But the Toyman created me, he's my father, I want to at least know that he cares." "I'm sure he does," Jase told him. "I'm sure he's looking for you right now. In the meantime, I have my own problems. Wyatt's birthday is in two days and I don't know what to get him." "Perhaps I can help. What does he like?" Adam asked. "Well, I think he likes clowns," Jase said as he thought about it. "And he likes that weird Drunken Power Rangers show. He says the only toy he doesn't have from it is a Green Drunken Irish Ranger." Adam blinked for a few seconds as his internet uplink searched the web. "The Green Drunken Irish Ranger, originally a mail-in offer with six proofs-of-purchase from the 1983 wave of Mighty Drunken Power Rangers toys. The next year, the figure was made part of the toyline in stores due to massive popularity, but the death of Green Drunken Ranger actor Nick Colosanto caused the figure to be discontinued and the character retired. Today, the Green Drunken Irish Ranger figure commands up to $5,000 dollars to collectors if in mint condition." "I don't have that kind of money," Jase told him. "But I have to get one for Wyatt. Too bad there's not any available." "Maybe there is," Adam said. "There's a story online about a toy warehouse owned by the company that makes the Drunken Ranger toys that's being cleared out. Supposedly there are cartons of figures dating back to the early 80's when the first toys were produced." "They might have a figure," Jase realized as he hugged Adam. "I have to check it out. Thanks, Adam. Tell Bart I'll be back later." Jase put his goggles on and raced out of the house as Adam picked up an onion. "Well, back at it, I suppose. Why did we buy so many onions to begin with?" "I'm sorry, Bart, I thought you would have heard by now," Carol told him. "It just happened so fast." "He was my best friend," Bart told her. "I promised we'd keep in touch, and I let him down. Just like I let you down." "Bart, none of what happened was your fault," Carol said. "You had your own life to live, just like we did. We all made choices we have to live with." "Were you... happy with the choice to break up?" "I was sad for a little while, but then I met Mike." "Mike?" "My fiance'," Carol told him. "We're getting married in the Spring." "Congratulations," Bart said as he stood up. "You deserve a guy that makes you happy. I hope you two have a long life together." "Bart, about Jase--" "He's a good kid, he won't cause any mischief," Bart told her. "He's a lot smarter than I was at that age, maybe if he's lucky enough to ever have a girlfriend, he'll be smart enough to know how to keep her. I guess I'll see you around." "Preston's buried in Manchester Memorial Cemetary," Carol said. "If you ever get back to Alabama." Bart didn't say anything as he walked out of the classroom. Impulse arrived at the Blandai Toy Warehouse in Nothing, Arizona in the hopes of finding the rare Green Drunken Irish Ranger figure. He rushed up to the doors and politely knocked, which is when a large angry looking guard answered. "What do you want?" "Hi, we haven't been properly introduced," Impulse said as he extended his hand. "I'm Impulse, you may have heard of me. Super fast crime-fighter? What's your name?" "Get lost!" the guard shouted, his voice blasting Impulse away before slamming the door. Seconds later, another knock came at the door as the guard opened it, seeing Impulse innocently smiling up at him. "I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot," Impulse told him. "Hi, I'm--" The door slammed in the young speedster's face. On the other side, the guard turned around to find Impulse standing in front of him. "The door accidentally closed," Impulse told him. "But it's okay, I'm in here now, new friend. Now we can get down to business. I was wondering if anyone found a--" The door opened as the guard threw Impulse across the pavement, but as soon as he closed the door again, he found the young speedster standing right behind him once again. "-- Drunken Irish Green Ranger figure when they were clearing things out? You see, it's my best friend's birthday and he really wants one." The guard started screaming like a little girl as he ran to the bathroom and shut the door, which was when Impulse walked out of one of the stalls. "These toilets are really clean!" Impulse told him. "Who's your janitor?" The guard rushed out and headed toward the supply closet, and upon opening it up, found Impulse standing there, squeezing spare rolls of toilet paper. "Ooh, two-ply," Impulse said. "That's the good stuff." The guard let out a quick scream as he rushed and began opening doors, finding Impulse behind every one of them. "I gotta tell you, I am not very good at this hide 'n seek game." Impulse said as the last door opened. The guard finally gave up and fell back against the wall. "I give up," the man said. "What do you want?" "A Drunken Irish Ranger," Impulse told him as he pulled some money out. "Here's all the money I have." "You don't have pockets, where were you keeping that?" the guard asked. "Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to," Impulse whispered. "Can I have the figure?" "They found one crate that was going to be auctioned off of the things," the guard told him. "I guess you can have one if you just go away and never, EVER darken my doorstep again." "Alright, just let me write that down." Impulse said as he produced a large notepad, flipping to the last page with a continually growing list of names of people who begged him to never contact them again, some of them even having gotten on their knees to beg him to leave them alone. Alfred Robin's Dad Robin's Mom Robin's Grandfather Ronald McDonald The Guy Behind the Counter at Starbucks The Guy Behind Me in Line at Starbucks The Nun in the Parking Lot at Starbucks The President of Starbucks Starbucks in General Rupert Grint David Golightly The Easter Bunny Satan Mark Waid Security Guard at Toy Warehouse "Follow me." the guard said as Impulse followed behind him. They arrived at a storage room filled with old crates filled with unsold toys. "Wow," Impulse said. "And these are filled with toys?" "Yeah, stuff that never sold for some odd reason, like the Kevin Spacey boy's dress-up kit," the guard said as Impulse picked up the bottom half of a Slave Leia bikini."The Li'l Hitler Easy Bake Oven, the Jenga 9/11 tower, the Barbie Back-Alley Abortion Clinic, the Amy Winehouse Drinking Game and Dr. Kevorkian Operation, where the goal is to set off as many buzzers as possible." "Which one is the one with the Drunken Ranger?" Impulse asked. "The one that's marked 'MacGuffin'." Impulse raced toward the box just as the wall exploded in front of him, sending the speedster flying back. "At last!" a man dressed like a military action figure said as he rode into the room on a blue-colored horse with dyed rainbow hair. "We've hit the jackpot!" A muscular blonde man in a harness and loincloth walked in, easily picking up the box. "I have the treasure, let's go!" "Hey, I need one of those figures!" Impulse shouted as he rushed forward, but got blindsided by a large bouncing Glo-Worm. Impulse hit the wall and instantly fell unconscious. "What kind of toy is he?" the man in the loincloth asked. "He must have been brainwashed by one of our enemies!" the army man shouted. "Bring him along and we'll reverse what was done to him!" An army of small mutant cabbage patch grown dolls picked Impulse up and carried him through the hole in the wall. TO BE CONTINUED... |